Am I Sober?

National Sober Day is not a day I ever imagined would make it on my radar. It’s been over 4 years since I last drank alcohol. I feel good about that choice every day, so I keep choosing it. I guess that makes me sober but that word never seems to fit my experience — the word feels heavy and restrictive. My inner experience of sobriety has been liberating. But as a social experience, it’s heavier than I’d like it to be. I really don’t miss the alcohol, but living in an alcohol-soaked world is challenging. Lonely.

Up until recently, I rarely talked much about my experience of being dry — it’s simply been a personal choice — and talking about it seemed, well, complicated. It’s only one part of who I am and I didn’t want to make it “a thing.” I also didn’t want to take on sobriety as a new identity. Still don’t. I don’t talk about my sobriety because I want my drinking friends and family to feel comfortable around me. The topic of sobriety tends to be a conversation stopper at social events. But recently, in the words of one of our community members, I’ve been finding that I “give way fewer fucks what people think” and I’m talking about it more. After a lifetime of following (most of) the rules, who knew midlife would be a time when I would feel so rebellious?

I have chosen to live AF because I like just about every aspect of how I feel and who I am without alcohol at this age and stage in life. In spite of it being a 100% positive choice in my life, it feels weirdly taboo and shameful to even tell people that I don’t drink or stopped drinking because then I feel compelled to give a “reason”. It’s abnormal to simply “not drink.” That’s a story I’d like to change. I’d like to be able to tell people that I’m sober and not have them wonder what my rock bottom was because I don’t really have one. My decision to stop drinking was totally non-dramatic and if I’m honest, it was completely without resolve at the beginning. My resolve to remain sober has only developed and grown in response to my positive experiences with sobriety. Now when I consider drinking again, the answer is just so clear and obvious. Why would I go back to doing something that makes me feel bad in so many ways?

Holly and I are often asked if Dry Together groups are really just sobriety groups.

These are not sobriety groups because the women in them aren’t all sober like me — they are for the sober-curious.
They are for women who simply want to take a closer look at their relationship with alcohol through the shared experience of a dry month.
They are for women who come at a dry month for all different kinds of reasons.
Some are in recovery.
Some just don’t like drinking anymore at this age.
Some are improving their health.
Some are trying to clear up the mental fog.
Some just love a challenge.
Some are craving more connection with midlife women that doesn’t revolve around alcohol.

The reasons go on and on. These women don’t have to give us their reasons. We don’t label them or ask them to label themselves. The labels get in the way.

We don’t ask them to commit to sobriety. We don’t ask them to report back if they drank or not during the month. We’re just sharing a dry experience together for a month and talking about it.

The goal is not sobriety. The goal is talking about alcohol at this age and stage in life. By talking about it, we start to chip away at a problem together and the problem is not alcohol and the solution is not sobriety. The problem is silence and the solution is community.