Somewhere in Between
It’s just me at 3AM, unable to get comfortable in my own bed, all of the relaxation of the night out with friends contorted into a spring-loaded feeling in my body. I am full of regret for that last completely unnecessary glass of wine last night. I am confounded by how my body at 41 just can’t seem to process alcohol in the same way anymore. I feel terrible and again — I’m not sleeping. I’m so mad at myself.
The internal negotiation begins. I’m only drinking on weekends, I commit inwardly. Do I have a drinking problem? Google alcoholism — nope, that’s definitely not me. I go to sleep again, relieved, committed to a fresh start.
And it’s really not hard for me not to drink. There are no shakes, no withdrawal, and my resolve is strong. I go to bed early the next night. I sleep well. I wake up and work out. I am back.
A few nights later I go out for ladies night with my mom friends. We laugh, eat dinner, drink a little too much wine, share stories and vent. The night is such good medicine for our midlife stress. We post instagram photos of us being elegant and fun and dressed up. We go home to our families well before midnight. Absolutely nothing bad happens. But I’m up at 3AM again, same story.
I just need to drink in moderation, I tell myself. I go out for dinner again with friends the next week. No more than two drinks — I make a pact with myself and of course, I follow it. See, I did it! NOT an alcoholic. But what do I remember of the night? My selfish preoccupation with controlling myself, with being successful. That’s the part I don’t like. I’m not drunk, but I’m not fully there. I’m somewhere in between. That’s the story of my relationship with alcohol as I move into mid-life. I feel somewhere in between concerned and controlled.
My first few months into another relatively easy period of abstinence later, I tell my friend “it’s just easier not to drink at all” and I feel awkward about the unspoken question that hangs in the air between us. Am I saying that I’m an alcoholic? My friend looks a little confused by my disclosure. I don’t blame her. I feel confused too. What’s my issue now with alcohol and why this choice now when nothing terrible has happened? Is it my age? Am I just being too hard on myself? Can’t I just cut loose from time to time and allow my serious midlife self to have fun without all of this self-criticism?
Years later and still dry, I can tell you that as I reflect on my relationship with alcohol, I still identify as somewhere in between problem drinking and normal (whatever that is!) and I’m still figuring it out. For me the biggest problem was the internal and physical tension that drinking caused me as I entered my 40s. I do sleep better now but not every night (thanks, peri-menopause!)
I am more and more curious about the intersection of being this age — now 46 — and how my relationship with alcohol became something that I questioned in my 40s, but not in my 20s or 30s. How much of my shift was just growing up and paying attention to the changing needs of my body? How much of my discomfort with drinking lies in the cultural and media messages we receive that fuse drinking with fun? Stories that confuse wine with coping.
The gift of my conversations within our Dry Together community has been exploring the intersection of midlife and drinking. Whether you drink with your mom friends or not, it’s worth considering the intersection. How do you relate to your drinking differently at this age and stage in life?
It is up to us midlife mamas to engage in a more nuanced and honest discussion of our relationship with wine at our age. Alcohol at this age is not intrinsically good or bad — it is often somewhere in between. Yes, drinking together is fun with friends and wine helps to take the edge off a stressful day. But can we expand our conversation about how to cope with midlife motherhood stresses beyond the wine mom memes?
*Visit www.drytogether.net to join the Dry Together community of midlife mothers across the country who are looking at how their relationships with alcohol change at this stage in life.